Tuesday, March 07, 2006

God's Timing

You know. I'm not God. I know, I know...you knew that already right? Well I'm just reminding you and me that I don't know everything. Everyone always says that God is never late, that everything happens for a reason, that if it's meant to be that the doors will open and it will happen.

That's all fine and dandy, especially when God works on OUR time table. But sometimes He has his own agenda. And sometimes he says No. Gosh does that hurt to swallow.

I don't know WHY the current foster family isn't just handing C over to us. I honestly don't know. But God does. But the trust and faith to know God is handling it correctly is very hard for me to handle right now. I know he has it in control...in my heart I know that...but in my head, I'm still wanting MY answers in MY time... you understanding me?

I have to say that my heart is aching right now knowing C is not with his biological family, and also not with me. I have given C loving care for 1/3 of his entire life. Even though he's two now; I still believe that deep down in his subconscious that he remembers us. And I have to believe that if he were to come here he would know that he was safe and loved.

I'm sure his current foster family has fallen in love with him. I'm sure they feel they are doing the right thing by keeping him for themselves. I honestly don't think they are doing this out of spite. I pray to God that they aren't. But I just don't understand how they can keep him knowing that we had him for so long and are longing for him to come back...

And yes...I'm mad at my caseworker. If she had just updated my paperwork when I asked, I'd have C right now. I know I shouldn't dwell on that. I know it serves no purpose other than to bring me down and cause me to falter in my faith. And I'm praying that I can overcome this hurt.

God will never leave me nor forsake me. I know this. I know he is with me. I know he is sheltering me even now, because I DO have a peace in my soul that C is going to be ok. But I don't have the peace that I'm getting him back... just that he'll be ok. And so if you can, please pray for me still...because even though I know I can make it with God's help, I can feel your prayers at work in my life supporting us. And there can never be too many prayers for our God!


At 10:12 PM, Blogger Mommykendra said...

I'm praying hon!!! I know that you don't want to hear it, but God know's what He's doing. I know many times we question that, but deep down we both know it. He has so many blessings in store for you and for Chris and as much I wish those blessings includeded each other, I don't know that.
My heart breaks for you knowing that one of your "children" is not with you and that you long for that. My heart breaks for Chris that he is only 2 and has had so many families.
I pray that the peace of God overcomes you and that you are content where you are at in life!! God has great plans for you and I know I will be rejoicing with you as they play out!!!

At 10:18 PM, Blogger Anna said...

Kendra *sniff* You're making me cry.

At 7:56 PM, Blogger Mommykendra said...

How are you doing today? Thinking about you!


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